We Are All Young and Courageous

We Are All Young and Courageous

I lay on the floor and listen to music a lot.

There is something about setting my subwoofer to the perfect level, not enough to shake the house, but just enough to feel the floor vibrate as music washes over me.

It’s like being on a tropical beach and having warm water lap at your feet while you enjoy the sun.

Expect this week hasn’t been sunny for me.

I spent Sunday and Monday at the Crisis Stabilization Unit. It’s a place that people get referred to and sent to for just a few days if they need a safe place to pull themselves back together. I was there because I was having suicidal thoughts again. I called the Suicide Hotline early Sunday morning and then got dropped off to spend some time in what is the hospital version of a monitored dormitory.

It’s a quiet place, if you want it to be. I read a whole book, and slept a lot, and tried to focus on everything positive in my life.

I don’t feel like killing myself today.

But I’m tired. So tired. I keep equating it to the feeling you might have if you woke up early after getting not enough sleep, had to work a full day where your boss did nothing but yell at you for being an awful employee, you spilled your coffee on yourself and then to top it all off, you bought one ply toilet paper so that when you got home you accidentally sandpapered your butt. It feels like that every day.

I’m behind in school, and feel like I’m kind of behind in life as a result.

So I spent a lot of time laying on my floor this week, listening to music.

I listened specifically to Tides of Man’s new album, Young and Courageous. The title track powered me forward. It feels like putting one foot in front of another, but with purpose, with a mission.

And that’s what I feel like I need. My mission isn’t glorious or prestigious. My mission is to get back to being able to do things that I liked before. To do things that I need to do. Buying groceries is a victory. Keeping my room clean is a victory.

All of us are struggling with our own problems, in our own lives. We all have obstacles that seem insurmountable. Sometimes I think that I’ll never get better, or get back to the way I was before. But there are people in my life who remind me that I can do it. There are people who remind me that together, we are all young and courageous.

  • https://www.facebook.com/zach.samborski.1 Zach Samborski

    Hang in there Kieran. We’re getting close to the end. You can do it.

    • http://kieranmoolchan.com kieranmoolchan

      Thank you kind sir

  • http://ajvfield.wordpress.com ajvfield

    <3

  • http://twitter.com/harmstrong Heather Armstrong (@harmstrong)

    Keep relying on family, friends and others who can help. You and your writing NEED to be out in the world. I have copied this post to someone going through a similar situation in University. He found comfort in your recent post knowing he isn’t alone in this horrible thing called depression. As a former CreComm student who many years ago graduated from your amazing, but grueling course, I can at least suggest that this will always be near the top of the list of the hardest times you will have to go through. It is worth it. But no one will ever fault you for asking for help or taking a break.

  • Jessie

    Well written! The stigma needs to dissappear. It’s that which makes it hard to talk about. It’s very nice to see that mental illness is being spoken more about. We all need more awareness. We need not to fear someone calling for help. The whole thing about “looking for attention” needs to go too. When it seems like someone is screaming for attention, it’s the one sane bit left of a person who is in need of help, asking for it. It’s sad that we can’t even be open to our friends about this stuff and have to pay someone to get help. But in reality, it’s not like our friends know what to do. But it is a time where you get to know who your friends are.

    Just getting out of mine… Again

    Godspeed!

  • Bobbi walker

    I lost my dad to suicide, he was ashamed of how he felt, he was alone, and never asked for help. I miss him everyday. I got depressed shortly after it happened and sought help for it by being hospitalized. I have a hard time telling people this as the stigma is still there. So what you are doing is amazing! And always remember that you are loved, even on those dark days

  • Holly

    Suffice it to say, I am not a young person like you. I am older and in the throes of yet another bout of depression that always leads me to suicidal thoughts. Antidepressants have failed me twice now. I get stable and they stop working. Now I am back to square one and struggling to not walk out the door and take my life where no one could stop me on time.
    Struggling, but will not give in. I have a reason to fight. I want to see my child get married later this year. I promised myself to try to stay strong enough to get through that. Then, it will be as usual, one day at a time. If needs be, one hour at a time.
    People of every age group and back ground struggle with this, I know. One day soon, I hope, I will be free.
    Thank you for being so brave and strong. If someone so young can do this, I can too.
    Blessed Be
    H

  • Krista

    Your story echoes my daughters, I’m glad you shared. Trying to find that pinhole of light in the dark is tremendously hard. Keep your face to the sun.

  • vector

    People go about curing themselves in a dignified and respectful manner. You are given to medical, care take it. You are an attention seeking person, There you have it but you have also harmed your future and shamed your family in the process.

    • http://kieranmoolchan.com kieranmoolchan

      I feel like we may have differing opinions on what constitutes dignity and respect.

      Mental illness is not something to be ashamed of. No one deserves shame for any illness.

      Yes, I am getting attention, but I think positive attention is being given to depression and other mental illness. So many people have messaged me saying that reading this post or posts like mine have encouraged them to get help. I’d say that’s worth any possible “shame” to my family.

      With dignity and respect,
      Kieran. <3

    • Michelle Hebert

      Kieran is the furthest thing from shameful and he has a very bright future. The only one who should be ashamed of themselves is you, for contributing to the stigma.

  • Jo

    Hey Kieran, You don’t know me but my husband and I are friends with your cousin Kate. We live in Australia and Kate shared a news article about you on Facebook today. I want you to know that we are thinking of you, and sending you lots of good thoughts and warm wishes. I have suffered a lot with depression over the last two years, having always been someone who suffered a lot from anxiety. So many people I know have had similar problems. Glad you’re getting help, it’s the first step of a difficult journey, but at the end you will be so proud of yourself for all the hard work that you’ve done and the progress you have made. You can do it! Best wishes from us both here in Australia.

    • http://kieranmoolchan.com kieranmoolchan

      Thank you so much <3

      And I send lots of love back to all of Australia!

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